Recovery Without Religion

Posted: May 1, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Here’s an interesting story of a woman, EllenBeth, who took responsibility for her own behavior:

It reminded me of when I was a teenager. I was rebellious. I wanted to party, and I did. Of course this worried my mom, so her and a handful of members at the church concocted a plan that got me put into outpatient rehab. They had my best interests in mind, and I don’t blame them for caring.

It was a huge waste of time and money though. I found out that playing up the “Jesus saved me” card made things so much easier on me. For example, some friends I met through rehab and I all did acid together at church (while still in the program). The girl who sold us the acid (also in the program), ended up ratting us out. I thought the punishment was going to come down on me harder than anything I ever imagined.

Doing drugs in rehab? Now you're fucked!

No punishment came. The reason was because I had been playing up the religion thing. That supposedly made me morally superior to those who hadn’t “found” religion. I was supposedly on the road to recovery because I was on a righteous path.

Yet all that stock being put into my salvation was for nothing. Believe me I did try. At many points in my young life I did believe I needed saving. I can remember being alone in my room at night, scared to death I was going to burn in hell for eternity. I would pray, begging to get a pass into heaven, begging for my heart to be changed. I was told that once I asked for forgiveness and salvation I would feel different, be different.

It was supposed to look something like this.

I never fucking felt it. Not once. I never felt the so-called, holy spirit, fill my heart. I never felt like changing who I was, I just knew I had to so I could be normal. I had to so I could get my mom, the church, my counselors– the world– off my back. My rebellious and independent spirit wasn’t nourished and pushed in a healthy and productive direction, it was under threat of being crushed. I had to be obedient, or suffer through more punishment.

Jesus is the rebel. You must OBEY.

So faking it helped. I found I could be insincere as long as I lied well enough. I could go through the motions and get by. It afforded me a quicker ticket out of the world of UA’s and antibuse.

The second I was out, I was right back into drinking. Using marijuana shortly followed. I continue to use both to this day. If using either had ever gotten out of control for me, I changed my behavior.

I’m not blaming religion for my continued use. I’m not blaming a lack of religion for my continued use. It’s just a matter of preference. I prefer to be high and/or drunk when I want to relax and have a good time. It doesn’t have anything to do with morality. I am a horny heathen with or without those substances. I am in control of my own behavior, always. We all are, and I hope more people like EllenBeth will share their stories of recovery without religion.

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